Desire, by Kim Cihlar

Desire.

There are desires we have as humans that are essential: the desire to have, to need, to want to eat, to breathe, to be enveloped by warmth and security. To have passion, to create, to give and receive pleasure, to give and receive love. To nurture, to be nurtured. To be desired.

 

Desire.

Looking back, I am reminded of much, much younger days, days so long they hurt, filled with the desire of youth, the intention of the sensational focus of oneness of the self. The burning, craving desire of “needing” someone else’s touch, so angst-ridden and hopped up on my own nerve endings that even the slightest touch from said human would sear like a molten knife. Desire that felt like a ripping away of skin, of death, of being cast-off, unwanted, unloved, when phone calls went unreturned. When love went unrequited. When the world did not go as I desired.

 

Desire.

Today. Today I stand on the precipice of desire and indifference. Can they actually, perhaps, be the same drives? I’m still desirous of certain phases of living, of wanting, no craving, travel to far away exotic locales, to experience new lands first hand, drinking them into my soul and my heart. The passion of skin on skin perhaps has slid down the ladder of priorities, desire-wise. I know longer shiver with that wave of sexual frisson when an incredibly handsome man passes me and perhaps eyes me out of the corner of his shades, as I used to feel as a younger woman. Does that mean that I no longer desire?

 

Desire.

Merriam-Webster defines some of the synonyms for desire as: concupiscence, eroticism, horniness, hots, itch, lech, letch, libidinousness, lust, lustfulness, lustihood, passion, salaciousness. If that’s the case, then yes maybe I have defeated desire. Or maybe desire has just moved into a more adult form of “wanting,” “needing,” “craving.” Down time spent with my husband watching a movie, our two dogs at our sides, on our couch with warm gentle ambient light illuminating our sweet cozy studio home. Road trips with the man cross country towing an Airstream trailer behind a sight-unseen-purchased Chevy Suburban. Trust becoming the legacy of desire, the element or ardor. The prayer of supplication within our I’ve got your back universe.

 

Desire.

The ache for what you don’t have. The gratitude for what you do have. The desire to share happiness and love with the whole world. Is this the new desire for a new decade? Or is this only what I desire?